It was my first church job and I was the “associate pastor.”  We did not have a “Senior Pastor,” we just had a pastor and an associate pastor.  What was the difference?  The pastor could decide which of the responsibilities he wanted, and which ones I was required to do.  And he got paid a lot more. 

I told a Senior Adult ladies class that we were going to “split” their class and make a new one.  When a couple of ladies suggested they thought this was a bad idea I told them they were wrong, and that they were being selfish.  When a couple more suggested they could go to church somewhere else, I gave them the names of some good churches.  From this experience I learned how to apologize.  

First, apologize quickly.  Don’t wait until you are pressured, or forced, or have no choice.  Get it done as soon as you know you have messed up.  The longer offended people rehearse your mistake, the more contrite your apology has to be in order to communicate effectively.

Second, never apologize for what the other person has done wrong.  “I should not have spoken harshly to you, but your lack of concern for others really bothered me” is not an apology, but a camouflaged complaint.    Apologies should admit that you were wrong, and should include a commitment to refrain from repeating your error.  “I spoke harshly, and this was the wrong thing for me to do.  You ladies deserved more respect than I demonstrated.   I not only ask your forgiveness, I assure you that I will not do this again” is an appropriate apology—it includes no reference to what they did, but to what I did.

Never offer an apology that is contingent.  “If I have offended anyone, I want to apologize” or “To those of you who were offended by my words, behavior, etc, I sincerely apologize” are not apologies.  They are suggestions that some folks are more sensitive than others.  Apologize without dividing the world into those who were offended and those who were not.  Besides, you can be wrong, stupid, and mean and some folks will never know it or be offended by it.  This does not mean you are excused. 

When you have messed up in public, apologize in public and privately.  When you have messed up in private, apologize in private.  To apologize in public for a private error advertises the error, not the apology.  To apologize for a public error, first talk to the person to whom you owe the apology, then to the group in whose presence you erred.  “I spoke harshly to Brother Jones last week in the business meeting, and I have talked with him and asked him to forgive me.  I hope you all will forgive my harsh words.”

The core material of a legitimate apology is repentance.  If you have sinned, you should repent.  If you repent of your sin, you ask those you have hurt for their forgiveness.  Apology without repentance is merely words without meanings.

By the way, the Senior Adult Ladies forgave me and we started a new Sunday School class. 

I am sorry for burdening you with all this.  This blog is posted every Monday afternoon.  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it